- This was meant to be a 500 word drabble but it turned into a 3000 word oneshot??
i have no idea how to make a read more on an image post and i have no idea how to upload an image to a text post soooo?? im so sorry okay
- Prompt: Phil gets his hand stuck in a peanut butter jar.
- Genre: Fluff
- Warnings: mentions of blood
Phil was calling from the kitchen. Dan was editing, and he was so close to fitting the clip to the beat of the music, a task which he’d been busy with for the last 45 minutes.
‘What?’ He moved one headphone from his ear and did nothing to hide his irritation.
‘Dan come help me, I’m stuck!’
‘Phil, I’m busy! Can’t you just google a cheat code or something?’ Dan didn’t know what game Phil was stuck on, or what level, but frankly, he didn’t care.
’No, It’s not a game! My hand is stuck!’
Dan sighed. What had Phil done now? He took his headphones off and put them on the desk. Annoyed, he walked to the kitchen.
What he saw was not what he had expected, and the scene was so comical that he forgot about being angry and burst out laughing. Phil looked up at him from underneath his fringe, looking so sad and helpless that Dan just wanted to hug him.
‘Aww Phil-’ He said, hardly able to contain his laughter.
‘Don’t laugh at me!’ Phil pleaded. ’I need help!’
Dan ignored Phil’s request. ‘How the hell did you even do that?’ He didn’t wait for a reply, ‘Hold on, I have to record this.’
’No Dan!’ But he was already gone. He came back, flipcam in his hand, the little red light blinking, indicating that Phil’s failure was in fact being recorded and was about to be published for all of the internet to see.
‘Guys, you won’t believe this, but I was just editing my next video when I heard Phil yelling from the kitchen. I thought he was stuck in a video game or something but no, because it’s Phil, of course he has to get stuck in a fricking peanut butter jar. I swear, this is not staged or anything, his hand is actually stuck in a peanut butter jar.’ He was annunciating every syllable, making sure that everyone actually knew what happened.
‘Dan! Stop vlogging, I need help!’ Phil exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air in a desperate gesture and then letting them hang down limp by his sides, jar proud on his hand. Dan was laughing so hard, his eyes were red and tears were forming in the corners of his eyes.
‘Dan! Help me..!’
‘You look like a Bionicle.’
‘Dan I will kill you with my peanut butter hand powers if you don’t help me!’
‘Okay, okay. Hold on’ Dan placed the camera on a shelf, making sure that they were both visible in the shot.
‘Let me look at it?’ Dan’s voice was motherly and Phil loved it when Dan spoke like that.
So much that he sometimes contemplated doing things like this just to get to hear it. Phil held up his arm for Dan to examine, the grin on his face wide as Dan held it.
‘Phil, did you do this because you were bored and wanted my attention?’
’No..’ Phil blushed.
Dan smirked, raising one eyebrow.
’I swear I didn’t!’ His voice raised in pitch as he denied the allegations.
‘It’s fine Phil, I know I’m irresistible.’
Dan suppressed a smile as he examined Phil’s imprisoned knuckles. Phil’s cheeks were burning and he was praying that Dan wouldn’t look up from his current task. His heart was pumping and he forced his breath to remain calm. Dan smiled up at him again. Oh lord. His eyes were so kind and genuine, Phil loved their shade of brown, even when they were half covered with soft brown curls framing Dan’s jawline, guiding the gaze towards his perfect lips. His face was so close to Phil’s.
There was no oxygen in the air.
Phil felt dizzy. He bit his lip hard, trying to get his feet back onto the ground and focus on reality. Focusing on the ground.
He had no idea how long he’d been looking at Dan, but he knew it was too long and he had to think of something to say before it was too late. Anything. He had to break the stare because he was looking at Dan and Dan would know and he would understand what Phil was thinking and fuck-
He thought he saw Dan looking down at his lips. ’It’s only your imagination Phil, Dan is straight and you need to calm the fuck down. Act normal. Think of something clever, think of something funny, for fucks sake Phil think of something to say,’ he was commanding his brain. But it was difficult because he could swear Dan was moving closer to him and he could swear Dan was looking at his lips and he could feel Dan’s breath against his own and he had never wanted anything else more than he wanted to feel Dan’s body against his right now.
’I-’ Phil tried, he had to say something, do something, before he ruined all of this and all the times he’d acted and denied it. He would destroy the act and spoil the illusion.
Dan’s face was for sure closing in towards his own now.
Phil opened his mouth to speak, but he closed his eyes because Dan was too close and this wasn’t happening.
Phil felt something brush against his lips. Something warm. A breath of warmth with a honey-like flavour and Phil couldn’t think.
He was frozen in place, unable to move, his mouth still open and he would have said something if the entirety of the English language wasn’t evading him and- Phil breathed out quickly before Dan pressed his lips against Phil’s. He couldn’t think and he didn’t know what to do but he didn’t have to, because his body was acting for him, on instinct. The thousand times he’d imagined this. The thousand times he’d pushed the thought away and now… Well Dan’s lips were dancing against his own and he was pressing himself against Phil. Dan put his hand on Phil’s hip, spinning him around so that he was pressed against the counter. He felt the tip of Dan’s tongue on his lower lip and he opened his mouth to feel it meet his own. Dan’s hands were securely placed against his waist and as Phil reached up to do the same he hit Dan’s hip with the jar-
Reality washed over him like a bucket of ice as he remembered that he was in the kitchen with a peanut butter jar stuck around his hand and he was making out with his best friend. He would have laughed at the bizarrity of it all if his head wasn’t spinning so fast.
His stomach dropped for a second, expecting Dan to tell him this was all a joke or maybe a test and that he was gonna leave the apartment and never come back because Phil was disgusting and how could he live with someone who fancies him and everything would become awkward and horrible because Phil ruined it. He felt the panic spreading in his body and if his heart had been speeding before, it was nothing like the way it was raising now.
His panic was interrupted as Dan snorted loudly with familiar laughter, burying his forehead in Phil’s neck. Phil breathed out with relief and he laughed along. Laughing at the the jar on his hand, laughing at his panic, and laughing because Dan was laughing and hadn’t let go of him and his hand was still resting on Phil’s hip.
He didn’t know how long they’d been standing there laughing, but felt like a lifetime and avery time they’d stopped, one of them had started again.
‘Alright, let’s get this thing off of you.’ Dan flicked the hair out if his eyes and the smile was evident in his voice.
He examined the jar again, biting his lip with a focused expression. He seemed to be thinking so hard, forehead in deep lines, stroking his chin in an almost parodical way.
‘And how are we going to do that, Aristotle?’ The sarcasm was unlike Phil, and his sudden confidence had Dan raise an eyebrow.
‘Have you tried pulling it?’
‘Dan, do you really think I would have bothered you in your precious video making if I hadn’t tried that? You shoe.’
‘Well, it seems as if there were other reasons why you’d want me here.’ This had Phil choking on his own spit, coughing loudly as he felt his face burning.
‘Alright, you hold on with your other hand and while I pull, okay?’ Dan said, the affectionate tone back in his voice.
Said and done, Dan placed his hands around the nearly empty jar, and Phil steadied his feet against the floor. This was a difficult task provided recent events, but he put his left foot forward, and pulled his elbow towards his chest.
‘Okay, three, two one.’ Dan pulled hard, scrunching his face. He solidified his grip around the jar, grabbing the opening, pulling with all his force.
‘Aow! Stop, stop, stop!’ Phil yelled, jerking backwards as Dan let go.
’No, no! It’s alright! We’re just gonna need another strategy.’
Dan looked down on Phil’s hand, which was turning alarmingly red as the knuckles grew whiter.
Dan looked down at the jar, and back up at Phil, and smiled at the resemblance between Phil getting stuck in the peanut butter jar and Winnie the Pooh getting stuck in the honey jar.
‘Dan, I think we’re gonna have to break it.’ He said, looking absolutely terrified.
‘Phil, If you manage to get your hand stuck in a jar, how the hell are you gonna smash it without breaking your hand?’
’Do you have any better ideas?’
‘Any that doesn’t involve me having to clean up your blood from the walls while you’re dying on the floor.’
‘I’m bleeding to death and your only concern is not having to clean up. Gee, thanks Dan.’ Phil said, playfully kicking Dan’s shin.
‘Well not my only concern, I’d have to clean up your body and deal with the police sooner or later as well.’
’Hey!’ Dan ducked away as Phil tried to hit him.
‘How about we see what google says about this.’ Dan said unbiassedly.
‘What, ’My friend has his hand stuck in a glass jar how can I remove it without having to clean his blood off the floor’? I’m sure there are hundreds of household websites regarding this.’
’I was going to type ’my roommate has a major crush on me and put a peanut butter jar on his hand so that I’d come and make out with him when he could have just come and asked’.’
Phil stared at him, blinking in disbelief. He’d worked so hard on hiding it! And why was Dan still here if he’d known all along? Phil had never been more confused in his life.
‘When- How did you know?’
‘Phil, your dracula skin betrays you as soon as I smile at you.’ Dan’s tone was matter of factly, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. ‘I’ve been trying to send you signals for weeks!’
‘What? No you haven’t!’
Dan raised his eyebrows in his ‘you are so wrong on this and here is why’ expression.
‘Umm.. Remember like last week when we were watching Masterchef and I put my arm around you?’
‘And remember when we were at that really fancy restaurant because and PJ and Chris didn’t show up, and we were interlocking our legs the entire time? Or when those chavs called us gay and I told them that there was nothing wrong with that? And how I asked you what it’d be like if we actually were?’
These were moments Phil had taken mental photographs of and kept secretly stored in the back of his mind, and he couldn’t believe Dan remembered any of them. None the less tried to hint at him on purpose.
‘Wow.. I-’ Phil was trying to form a coherent sentence, but he had so many questions that he couldn’t formulate a single one.
’Dan, I- Why didn’t you just- well.. tell me?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
’I didn’t know! You knew and didn’t tell!’
’I couldn’t just..’ Dan said, looking down, moving closer to Phil.
Dan leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on Phil’s lips.
‘You know.. do that.’
Phil smiled, leaning in again, searching for Dan’s lips. Dan met them quickly, but put a hand on Phil’s chest, gently pushing him away. Phil’s expression was that of a child who’d been robbed of their candy and Dan had a hard time not letting out a loud ‘aww’ again. He forced back a smile as he spoke.
‘Phil, priorities. We should take care of the pressing issue on our hands first.‘ Phil looked at Dan as he spoke, laughing as he spotted Dan’s terrible joke.
‘That was horrible.‘
‘You so did! Don’t even try to deny it!‘
Phil gave up.
‘Dan, I’m gonna do it.’
He stepped away from Dan, extending his arm out towards the counter. He looked away, squeezing his face together as the glass hit the metal in a deafening crash.
The jar exploded into two large pieces and a million tiny ones, and the moment in which Phil could spread his fingers out was the second best feeling he had ever experienced.
It still couldn’t compare to Dan’s lips against his own.
He looked at Dan with a proud expression, before stepping over to the sink to wash the peanut butter off his hand. The water gave him back the sensation in his hand.
‘Dan this is like having angels peeing on my hand.’
‘What a beautiful description.’
Phil extended his arm towards the broom, to clean up the mess on the floor.
‘Phil, your hand.’
His eyes were fixed on Phil’s hand which was dripping red. Three streams dripped along the palm of his hand, joining together in a red flow along his middle finger.
’Oh god. Oh god! Dan! I’m bleeding! It’s bleeding! My hand!’
‘I’m not blind, Phil. Erhh.. Hold it up into the air okay? We have some medical tape in the first aid kit don’t we?’
He ran off to the bathroom before Phil could reply, and returned just as quickly with the green kit in his hand.
‘Okay, let’s not panic, this will be fine, we can do this, I’ll help you.’ Dan chanted, more to himself than to Phil really, placing the first aid kit on the floor.
‘Dan, calm down. It doesn’t hurt that bad actually.’
Dan pulled out the pictographic manual, eyeing the description of what to do when someone is bleeding. Another time he would probably have commented on the awkward positions the people in the pictures were in, but he was rushing to replace the tea towel Phil was holding in his hand.
‘Dan, just breathe, it’s just a cut.’
Phil sat down on the floor next to Dan, who was still squatting. Dan picked out a compress, determined to follow the description on the package, which was obscurely demonstrating to hold it and put pressure on the wound until it stopped bleeding.
He put his knees on the floor, one leg between Phil’s in a position which must have been everything but comfortable, and opened the sterile packaging. Phil’s hand would probably have stung, but Dan’s thigh was pressing against his own and Phil didn’t have to try hard to focus on that rather than the pain. Dan shifted his weight and sat down, as far away from any glass as possible and grabbed Phil’s hand. Touching it, probably a little bit more than what was necessary. Phil rested his hand in Dan’s and he was entirely certain that Dan’s hand against his own was helping just as much as the compress between them.
After a while, Phil lifted the compress to see three tiny, yet fairly deep cuts where his hand meets his wrist.
‘This won’t help your attempts to deny being emo.’
’Oh my god you’re right. The viewers are gonna form conspiracies. Who the hell would believe me if I told them the truth?! ’Hey guys I managed to get my hand stuck in a jar and I smashed it and cut my wrist.’ Not very believable is it?’
Dan straightened up, smiling at Phil.
‘Just a sec.’ He said, walking across the kitchen, grabbing the camera from the shelf.
‘Dan! How long did you film for!’
Dan pressed the on-button, and rather than seeing the viewfinder, they were met with ‘memory full’.
’I don’t think I ever turned it off.’
Phil felt a wide grin spread across his face. He had evidence that this had all happened and that Dan’s lips had met his. Dan had captured their first kiss on video.
‘Now you can prove to them what happened.’ Dan said with a smile.
‘Dan, I don’t think- I don’t think that much of the footage is going to be usable.’
Phil couldn’t tell wether he was genuinely asking or not, but he decided to answer anyways. He smiled as he quoted Dan:
‘Because I have a major crush on my roommate and I got my hand stuck in a peanut butter jar so that he’d come and make out with me and I wouldn’t have to tell him.’